“What’s next for you after working for Chi Omega and after you get married?”
This valid question has been swarming any sort of dialogue I have been having recently. Again, this is an incredibly applicable question for the season of life that I am in right now, but this has taken a toll on me.
My nature is to be ahead of the game. I am proactive, a seeker of a solid plan for what is ahead; I have a desire to get all my ducks in a row and everything laid out for whatever is next. In college, I loved receiving my syllabus. I would sit down, color code my calendar and write everything down, then I would get to work. I would begin to get ahead in readings, marking things off of my to-do list left and right. By the middle of the semester, I would find myself all caught up and ahead so that I could just enjoy my life. But in the weeks leading up to that moment, I would be working my tail off. I was a total “work now, play later” kind of gal.
However, I realized that highly productive life of mine was allowing me to quickly escape the present day. Now, being productive is good. It is a strength of mine that I am beyond thankful for, but I believe that somewhere down the line, somewhere in my immaturity, I destroyed that gift and truly ruined what is was first designed to be.
It is easy for me to dream of what is next but I have experienced some serious anxiety with doing that. What I realized is that though my body maybe “resting” my mind has not. My mind somehow was racing, running fast and controlling a lot of life. I would think of things I need to do or should be doing and that would result in heavy burdens that I should not be carrying or even tasks I should not be worrying about.
Oh, but Courtney I am just trying to get a handle on this life that feels chaotic and messy. I am trying to get ahead and make a plan so that when you get married, you can just breathe and enjoy your husband. Yes, I see but in doing that, I could be missing the real life that I am encountering right now.
I was gifted two books from a dear friend and old teacher, Mrs. Brown. She sent me Present over Perfect and Draw the Circle. The first book is something I read a couple of years ago, and just put it away. But I do not think this was a coincidence or just a kind gesture on Mrs. Brown’s end. I believe that this was a divine appointment used by the Spirit. The second book is a sequel to a book called the Circle Maker that radically changed my prayer life when Gather & Grow was beginning. And now, I am in a pivotal time with G&G where I know the Lord is stirring deep within this dream. The second book serves as a 40 day prayer challenge that needs me to take it at a day at a time. So here I go on this 40 day journey of radical dependence and surrender. Again, this was not just luck that she sent me these books, but a simple divine intervention.
I see you God.
One thing that I am sure of is what is currently happening in my life. I love my current job. I love the privilege and honor to travel for Chi Omega, meet many women, hear their stories, know their burdens, know their weaknesses, celebrate in their successes, check on them via text after that call with an overwhelmed mind. That is the greatest honor that has been bestowed upon me RIGHT NOW. This job is hard because of the many stories we encounter while being on the road. But it is the greatest platform, the most divine platform, to see the Lord’s Glory at its finest. That is what is NOW for me.
Let me remind you of something that a dear friend and the editor of these stories reminded me of:
“You getting out of bed this morning is enough. Sometimes the biggest victory is simply getting out of bed, getting yourself dressed, and doodling on your floor to simply throw it away.”
So what is next for Courtney? I do not know, and it kills me to say that. I have many ideas of course and many dreams, but I really do not know. I cannot tangibly see the “next thing,” but what I know is true is that I will seek first His Kingdom. I will pray on my hands and knees, I will surround my mind with truth, and I will believe this peace and not confuse it for laziness. Keep asking me that question, that’s okay. The question is not the issue. The issue is simply Courtney Marie being the harsh critic that she is.
In the next 40 days, I will surrender my dreams, thoughts and ideas before the greatest creator who just wants me to seek Him.